Yuppies from hell.
(This article is a shameless attempt to try to make yuppie angst fatal.)
Yuppies, everybody hates yuppies. Yuppies hate yuppies. Guppies hate yuppies. Even cute lovable little puppies hate yuppies.
We all have different images of yuppies and as the baby boomers have gotten older, we're not really sure what the"Y" stands for anymore as yuppies aren't necessarily that young anymore, but nevertheless, we think of people who are crassly materialistic, slavishly trendy in just the right way, and love reminding everyone else how much better they are than the hobbled masses.
If it weren't for yuppies, there would be no bottled water, but something about Evian made them better people. It used to be those who were doing a little bit better than the Ford or Chevrolet crowd might buy an Oldsmobile, but alas, the Cutlass is no more, nor is Oldsmobile for that matter. The BMW, Lexus, or Audi is the yuppie-mobile. The SUV craze almost threw them for a loop. Who'd want to be caught dead driving a Ford for god's sake?
It wasn't long before the upscale divisions like Cadillac and Lincoln had their own SUV's, so did Buick, but yuppies would never drive a Buick, that letter "Y" eliminates that choice, but now there are "crossover" vehicles by BMW, Lexus, and Audi. It's not as "truckish" as a common SUV.
In the 90's of course, the yuppies loved bragging about their investments and some stocks were so trendy. There seemed to be a little bit of poetic justice to see the "dot.com" bubble thing explode. Oh, but those yuppies loved thumbing through their portfolio bragging the way a doting grandmother would thumbing through an album of pictures of her grandchildren.
Face it, yuppies are assholes. They love reminding us they're better than we are even if they're not. The common joys of family, a backyard barbeque, a walk in the woods, all those things can't be appreciated for their simple joy in yuppie land. Oh no, their kids have private tutors to teach them Mandarin Chinese, play violin, and learn the latest Korean Marshall arts. A barbeque gets perverted by some kind of grill that has some kind of computer interface to operate, and lord only knows what's so special about the beef, pork, and chicken they find at their pseudo-gourmet grocers. A walk in the woods wouldn't be complete without the perfect ultra expensive walking shoes and just the right shirt and walking shorts from some exotic catalog. How about some designer organic insect repellent.
Against that background are all those investment firms many of whom are probably now knee deep in government bailout money, that the wise yuppie started to consult from their sophomore year in college so they'd have just the right investments to their kids could have all those tutors, braces at age ten, and college tuition. They'd also have a retirement plan but secretly believed that modern medicine would come up with something that would allow them never to get older than 50. Somehow, science has let this mutant strain of the babyboomer generation down because the best they've come up with are some exotic vitamin supplements and Botox.
Okay, is everyone pissed off enough. Okay, even the yuppies who might read this, are you ready to strangle the next yuppie who you come in contact with? It better not be your spouse or the person you'll be chilling out watching the NCAA tournament with this afternoon.
WHAT COULD MAKE ANY RED BLOODED AMERICAN MORE PISSED OFF THAN WHINY YUPPIES?
Go to hell. Do not pass go. Do not collect two hundred dollars. Do not call your broker on your BlackBerry (another Yuppie accessory).
As such, when your humble author sees one of those "Talk to Chuck" advertisements for Charles Schwab, he wants to upchuck. What is more disgusting than watching and listening to a bunch of yuppie posers whining about their finances and expenses. Go to hell. Don't let the door hit you where the good Lord split you. Boo-hiss!!!
How in-your-face can targetted advertising get? Let's suppose the concept here is preaching to the choir where fellow yuppies will get that warm, "been there done that" buzz and think that ol' Chuck is the guy to watch after their money.
Of course as we've documented in detail through out this little rant, yuppies are gimmick fickle fiends from the microprocessor enhanced gas grille, to all the crap on the dashboard of their "beamer" to Botox, you'd think the Shaper Image would have been a bigger success, but yuppies are only united in their conspicuous pursuit of success not necessarily achieving it.
That's why when those tacky terrible Chuck Schwab ads with those pukey animated whiny yuppies make this viewer want to hurl heavy objects at his television every time one airs especially when they introduce yet another one of those yuppie cretin animated characters engaged in all their little yuppie poser antics. The technique of converting live actors into computer animated figures is just the kind of gimmick that's supposed to get the right kind of "Wow" from those yuppie investors to fork out more of their funny money anyway, right?
We can at least be thankful that yuppies don't reproduce like guppies!
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